Tales from the Cultural Wilderness - Journal

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2003-07-02 Entry: "Buffy Quiz"

I'd intended to dig this out of the Google newsgroups archive at some point. In February 2001, the alt.buffy.europe newsgroup was having a quiz. One of the questions was to come up with episodes of Buffy, based on just the known episode titles for season 5 (everything up to The Body). Now, at this point I'd read transcripts of most of the episodes that had aired, so I knew a reasonable amount that was actually going to happen, but I did my best to supress that knowledge and came up with this Alternative Season 5:

Buffy vs. Dracula

Dracula comes to Sunnydale. Joyce gets seduced. Giles saves her and they kiss. Buffy kills Dracula, but not before he can get out some trite warning that "the Hunter knows about you now - it's coming for you"

Real Me

Riley starts having strange dreams. He starts seeing people and places he doesn't know and never seen. Buffy and Giles research "The Hunter" with little luck. Xander, who's job comes to an end, decides to take a holiday with Anya and they leave together.

The Replacement

When a collector buys one of the pieces from Joyce's gallery, he offers to give her a replacement from his collection - a sealed vase from Ancient Greece. The vase is broken during a break-in and a Hell-horse (or Nightmare) is freed. While Giles is examining the broken vase (and the damage to the gallery), he and Joyce again kiss. Spike and Buffy defeat the hell-horse (Spike narrowly avoids being incinerated by its flaming hooves).

Out of My Mind

Riley's dreams turn into waking visions. He starts seeing and hearing things while awake. He starts to see a black, amorphous cloud hanging over Buffy. Eventually at Buffy's, he starts lashing out, destroying anything he can lay his hands on. He then falls comatose. Graham turns up and says the government can help him. Buffy, suspicious, tails them. Riley is taken to a "Training Center" where there are others who've also got the same symptoms (and can see the cloud). It turns out Riley was genetically engineered in an attempt to give him telekinesis and telepathy. The Government give him medication to prevent the hallucinations.

No Place Like Home

Buffy moves back home while her room is rebuilt. Giles and Joyce go on a date. Riley decides he needs some time to come to terms with what's been done to him and goes back to Iowa. Buffy throws herself into her work to avoid dealing with Joyce / Riley. In a fight with a vampire she becomes sloppy and Spike saves her at the last minute.


A strange force comes over the University, causing people to sleepwalk. While asleep, a number of students die (through falling out of windows / down stairs). Willow and Tara attempt to counter this but are not powerful enough. However, Willow discovers a spell which will return Amy to human form and does so. Amy, disoriented, recognizes Tara and calls her "Cousin" before passing out. When she comes to, they discover Tara and Amy are cousins (Amy's mother and Tara's were sisters), but that Tara's mother never practiced witchcraft. The three of them together manage to break the spell over the University.

Fool For Love

"Cupid" comes to Sunnydale, causing couples to throw themselves at each other. Giles and Joyce are caught in a compromising position by Buffy. Spike falls for Amy. Buffy, missing Riley desperately, books a plane to Iowa and flies off to see him. Amy summons Cupid and persuades him to break the spell. Buffy meets Riley's family and persuades Riley to come back with her to Sunnydale.


A Demon comes to Sunnydale in search of the "Rose of Jumlat" - an ancient statuette able to bestow invisibility. Giles is out with Joyce when the demon breaks into his house in search of the rose. Buffy finds the devastation and tracks the demon to the cemetary where they fight. During the fight she catches a glimpse of a dark black cloud hovering nearby. As she defeats the demon and turns to confront the cloud it disappears, but she hears an echoing voice "I defeated you before, Slayer...". She goes to Giles, confused over what it may be. His research turns up nothing - Buffy hasn't been defeated...

Listening To Fear

Realising they need more information Riley reduces his medication allowing him to see the cloud around Buffy. He hears it whispering and muttering, almost incoherent "The Slayer... always here... finally... way in..." He also starts to pick up stray thoughts from other people including Spike thinking about Amy. Willow and Tara's research turns up two references to a dark cloud in the Slayer Journals - different Journals which end shortly afterwards.

Into The Woods

Searching for more clues to the identity of this black cloud, Buffy goes to L.A, where Giles claims there's a book in a museum which might be able to help. On arrival, she and Riley find that the museum is privately owned (by Wolfram and Hart) and they need Angel's help to get in. (Concluded in the Angel episode)


Xander and Anya are on a cruise ship near Bermuda. During an idyllic afternoon a fog swells up around the ship and strange sounds can be heard. Strange fish men have summoned the fog to hide their invasion of the ship. Anya remembers these creatures and their search for an amulet, which she assumes is on the ship. Xander and Anya search the ship and try to avoid the fish men. Finally, Anya finds the amulet. Xander is surrounded by fish men and defending himself with a fire-axe. Anya smashes the amulet and the fish men fall dead.


Xander and Anya return to Sunnydale. Giles tries to translate the book Buffy recovered in LA. A nest of vampires has moved into a warehouse near the docks and the entire Scooby Gang (Buffy, Riley, Willow, Tara, Xander, Anya, Spike and Amy) have to pool resources to defeat them. Cue Buffy's birthday celebration.

Blood Ties

Giles manages to translate the book - it turns out to be the journal of the First Slayer. It describes in detail how she overcame her primal, hunter instincts to plan and defeat a nest of vampires - an ancient shaman cast a spell to draw the Hunter out of her. Ever since, it has been seeking a way back in - a way to rejoin the Slayer it was ripped from. It seems summoning the power of the First Slayer has attracted its attention. Joyce discovers she's pregnant.


Spike, still attracted to Amy, even without Cupid's spell, tries to find a gift to give her. He discovers "The Book Of Asharn" in a crypt and gives it to Amy, unaware that an order of knights has been looking for the book for hundreds of years. The knights are trying to protect the book, which contains spells to summon true Demons. Buffy, after fighting the knights to a standstill, agrees to give them the book in return for help against the Hunter.

I Was Made To Love You

Willow's mother falls sick and is rushed to hospital. Tara tries to confort Willow, who feels depressed as her mom gets weaker and weaker. In desperation, Tara tries a spell to heal Mrs. Rosenberg. It succeeds, but transfers the illness to Tara. Amy and Giles have to snap Willow out of her sadness and fear long enough to attempt a "bonding" between her and Tara - to merge their strength to fight off the disease.

The Body

While Buffy is fighting vampires in the cemetary, a cop tries to intervene and gets himself killed. Buffy feels she should have been able to save him. Cut to morgue where cop's body is being stored - dark cloud (the Hunter) enters the body, which sits up. The next night, Buffy is again in the cemetary and the cop appears. He makes no move to intervene in the fight. When she has finished with the vampire, she approaches the cop. "I am a part of you Slayer. You cannot defeat me." Buffy attempts to fight him, but he counters every move she makes - not attacking back, but just blocking every move as if he knows she's going to make it. Buffy has to break off when another vampire rises. When she's finished fighting, the cop has gone. She throws herself into training with Giles, trying to improve enough to defeat the Hunter.

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